Today I'm studying at the library and will be pretty much all day.
As the moments I have left in college wind down, the worth left in each one seems to condense. They all pass with a deep thump of some significance, and I feel the time slipping away acutely.
This was supposed to be the best time of my life. Is it really just downhill from here? If this was the best, where do I go from here?
All my life, I was raised to look towards college like many girls look towards their weddings. When I came home sad because I'd been snubbed at school, or when I opened with, "Guess what, Mom?! Guess what we learned!!!", I was always comforted and encouraged with,
"Wait until you get to college."
And it was magical in every way, completely full of all the things I'd wanted it to be. (I had hoped to be planning a wedding at this point. But that was not to be, and probably for the best.)
But now it's over. Where do we go from here?
Soon it will be finished, and then I'll feel it all slip away. When it's gone, I'll look up and try to figure out where I am and what's left. But I don't want to move on a minute too soon. As long as I'm still here, I want to keep it close and cherish it.
It's a precarious balance, but I feel nothing else will do.
I've been thinking about the song I linked a lot today. For some reason, it seems appropriate. It's about the end of Eva Peron's life, when her illness leaves her of little use to her husband and political partner, Juan Peron. Thank you for giving me a chance to say the things I was concealing. God be with you.