Today I'm studying at the library and will be pretty much all day.
As the moments I have left in college wind down, the worth left in each one seems to condense. They all pass with a deep thump of some significance, and I feel the time slipping away acutely.
This was supposed to be the best time of my life. Is it really just downhill from here? If this was the best, where do I go from here?
All my life, I was raised to look towards college like many girls look towards their weddings. When I came home sad because I'd been snubbed at school, or when I opened with, "Guess what, Mom?! Guess what we learned!!!", I was always comforted and encouraged with,
"Wait until you get to college."
And it was magical in every way, completely full of all the things I'd wanted it to be. (I had hoped to be planning a wedding at this point. But that was not to be, and probably for the best.)
But now it's over. Where do we go from here?
Soon it will be finished, and then I'll feel it all slip away. When it's gone, I'll look up and try to figure out where I am and what's left. But I don't want to move on a minute too soon. As long as I'm still here, I want to keep it close and cherish it.
It's a precarious balance, but I feel nothing else will do.
I've been thinking about the song I linked a lot today. For some reason, it seems appropriate. It's about the end of Eva Peron's life, when her illness leaves her of little use to her husband and political partner, Juan Peron. Thank you for giving me a chance to say the things I was concealing. God be with you.
I felt the same when all of my high school teachers told my class that "these four years are the best of you life!" They said it so joyfully, and it made me so angry. Didn't they realize what that implied?
ReplyDeleteUm, no, high school was not the best time of my life.
Nor was college.
Each was wonderful in different ways, don't get me wrong, but to say that was the best of my life is ignorant and insulting.
We are blessed with purpose, and the living out of that purpose brings joy. Happiness is fleeting because it depends on external circumstances. Our joy is constant because it comes from God who is constant.
Be encouraged. Life after college is still life, and it is still beautiful.
Sarah!!!
ReplyDeleteIt's weird how fast everything was at the end. I just wanted to comment and say how thoughtful I found this post. Also that I'm reading (irregularly, but still, I'm here) and we can be MAIDENS OF AWESOME for as long as we're both single. (I was trying to think of the female form of "bachelor" but bachelorette only really applies to bridal situations and I haven't gotten my old maid fanny pack and cat names Emily Dickinson yet so that doesn't apply either.)